18 weeks and counting

In life, we all want a chance to fulfill our dreams. For some of us it seems like a very long and winding road with lots of struggles. Maybe I'm wrong but I think the people who have to struggle are more likely to try and hold on tight to what they have because they know exactly what it is they will loose.

That's where I am today.

Desperately holding on to the dream I carry, because I don't know what could take it away and knowing that I could loose it all in a heartbeat.

18 weeks and counting...I can't express the fear I have been experiencing as this pregnancy progresses. I have tried to be strong but I'm worried I don't know how. I know that nothing I can do can change what will happen. Things happen and I accept that and I know while I weep for all the things that could happen and haven't, there is an exciting possibility of the future...the fulfillment of everything I ever wanted. It's the interim that I cannot fully understand.

Last week we found out that we are 80% likely to have a girl. The news struck me in a way I did not expect. It was the recognition that 'she' could be in there, waiting for me as much as I am out here waiting for her. And while I go through scary symptoms, and learn what is normal and what is not I remind myself that each day is a blessing, every heartbeat a miracle in itself and I positive this is the scariest but most beautiful time in my life.

A Pregnancy Update

It's been a while so I thought I would update on the Sprout and tell how things are going. We had our Nuchal Translucency scan a couple weeks ago and we saw the first movement from Sprout. I was so overwhelmed. Sprout had the hiccups and bounced and snuggled into me. I couldn't feel it but we saw it on the screen. It made me laugh. We ended up with pictures showing a very relaxed sprout sucking a thumb with what seems to be an arm behind the head. Okay maybe that is just our interpretation of the scan but you tell me what you think. Sprout's right on schedule and everything is where it should be according to the Doctor, so we couldn't be more pleased.

 

Immediately after this scan we had another with our regular OB. The heartbeat seemed great, she said and the scan was normal. So we were able to see sprout one more time. Doctor Adorable also informed us that I could stop taking the metformin and progesterone. I immediately began to worry. I didn't want to do anything to affect Sprout or the viability of the pregnancy. I know that there are definitely many who told me I would be fine at 13 weeks, but I was so terrified. I ended up having a miscarriage nightmare where Sprout  just fell out of me in the sac and I was freaking out.  I woke up crying and freaking out. Luckily we had the doppler and M pulled it out immediately after my dream and found Sprout. Hearing the heartbeat still there made me cry again, but happy tears of relief. I find my anxiety high sometimes about the pregnancy but it helps to talk it out with M. I also think the recent wave of hormones hasn't helped.

It's a month until our next appointment and I'm amazed at how non-IF women can wait so long. It seems like an eternity. We had scans week 5, week 6, week 7 and week 9. We also went in week 12 and week 13. Now I'm considered a normal pregnant woman. So we will only be seeing Doctor Adorable once a month. This is totally difficult. Luckily the doppler is around or I would freak out! For those who are keeping track we're now in the second trimester and we're 14 weeks and 2 days. It feels so weird to say that, and to know that. I'm still not able to eat the way I want. I find I'm either nauseous or super hungry or both. That being said I've put on very little weight, having lost  roughly 8 pounds since I got pregnant give or take a pound or two. I know I'll gain it back soon and Doctor Adorable isn't worried, so I'll just enjoy it for now. 

Grow big Sprout, stay strong and be healthy! and most of all... We love you!!!

Trying to decide...

I've been thinking a lot about this blog lately and wondering if I want to be an IF pregnancy blogger, if I want to continue blogging about infertility, or if I'm just ready to stop for a while. The truth is I have a lot to say about our pregnancy. I have thoughts about how being infertile prior to this pregnancy has affected my life and changed my dreams, my perception on life, and how I deal with the little day to day things. More than once I've been tempted to "start over" but I know that wouldn't be easy or an accurate accounting of my journey.
So I've decided that I'm just going to blog. Say what I want to and need to say. I'm sure that over time I will be that mommy blogger and I'll figure out if this is the space for that or if I'll start that somewhere else. All things come to an end but for now I don't think this is the time for this blog. :) Expect some changes...but I'm still here. Ellie, as always.

Changing Dreams

Those who know me well would not be surprised to find out that I desperately want to be a homesteader. I didn't know I wanted this until a few years ago when I discovered Horticulture and the amazingness that is plants and I decided that I wanted to grow food and teach people about the process. I've been involved in the community garden until recently, enjoyed reading homesteader blogs and reading seed catalogs. I have two rabbits for the garden (well, that and they are ADORABLE.)

That all changed about 8 months ago. Suddenly our savings and our credit cards were being used to fund another dream, one I did not know I would need to fund. We wanted to be parents and it was worth every penny we had. So everything we had was put towards our medical bills. We had half coverage so that was great but with each attempt costing north of $1500, not including in between and other appointments we needed, it was amazing to see the down payment for a home disappear. I found myself loosing hold of the dream to be on a farm. I stopped heading to the garden, harvests dying from neglect were picked up and the gardens left fallow for winter. I stopped reading homesteading blogs and started reading Infertility blogs, tweeting with infertility peeps who understood what we are going through, and starting this blog. I was able to unload and find friendship among people and able to share this part of my life with them. All the while the dream I knew flickered and eventually stood in the background like a snuffed candle. There, waiting to be rekindled but still... not even close. 

Now we're pregnant but we will not be buying home in the next few years. Our baby will be well cared for and extremely spoiled but I will have to work to maintain the very very high daycare cost and ourselves. Things have changed but I am oh so very happy! I am so grateful for every moment Sprout is with us and I am so happy to sacrifice anything I can for this little bub. So my dreams have changed. I want to be a mommy and it doesn't matter where or how. A new candle has been lit and while I may never give up on my other dreams but right now this is the only one that matters and I hope Sprout knows that.

I love you Sprout. Keep growing big, stay strong little one and keep healthy!!!

Growing Big and Strong!

My dearest friends, I'm so sorry I have not updated you sooner. Every time I tried to write this post I got overly excited/happy and would start to tear up. Sprout has caught up to her original insemination date and was measuring his 8 weeks 6 days exactly! We also got to see our little one's heart beating. The Dr. took a moment and said she was very happy for us.  She's a wonderfully compassionate woman and I knew she meant it. We both were really excited and happy to see the baby. I won't say that I'm not still nervous but a little less so. We got our u/s pictures and boy oh boy does Sprout look like a little a Jelly Bear. There were arms and legs and the shape of a head. It was amazingly awesome to know how far little sprout has come. We have our next u/s in a couple weeks since we're participating in the California Prenatal Screening Program. We plan on getting the Sequential Integrated Screening  but will not do an amnio or a CVS because, I'll be very honest, it doesn't matter to me if our child has a syndrome. I am only concerned about making sure that she is safe. An amnio seems like a bigger risk than we are willing to take, so we will have faith that Sprout will grow big and strong and healthy. When my sister went to Japan this last week she picked up a talisman from a shrine maiden for a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy. I want to carry it with me always but it's rather bulky so it hangs above my bed. I dunno if she knows how awesome this is to me but I try to tell her thank you every day.

Well, off to try and avoid morning sickness.

Grow Sprout, Grow! We love you!

The Conundrum with Mr. & Mrs.

co·nun·drum/kəˈnəndrəm/

Noun:

A confusing and difficult problem or question Today we spent a better part of 4 hours helping my Sister in law, B, pack and prepare her wedding invitations at the In-Law's house, whom we will call Mr. FIL & Mrs. MIL. Now I am ever so careful about the amount of time we spend at their home because as lovely as they are and as sweet as they can be, Mr. FIL smokes cigars in the house, and while he makes special care not to smoke in the house while I am there, I do not like the 3rd hand environmental smoke. I'm asthmatic and they know this so they air out the house as well as they can and are overall very accomidating. Now that we're pregnant they are extra careful, him going so far as to wash up when he comes in the house. The problem is the house STINKS of smoke. I personally do not encounter smoke at all, neither at work or at home, so we felt comfortable going but today I got decidedly worried and when we left discussed the situation with M. I don't like feeling like I'm cracking out my baby and I know it's not ok. We both agree that we don't want to raise our child in that kind of environment and it means that a talk will have to be had with Mr. & Mrs. about the choice to discontinue the smoking or we will not be able to bring little Sprout over. We are adamant against smoking and plan to raise our child the same way.  I have two issues with the situation. Mrs. is a preemie nurse and should know the risks of the situation. She does not excersize any influence and often says Mr. should be able to do what he wants in his own home. I agree but it means deciding whether Sprout will ever see their home. I'm not opposed to meeting somewhere or having them come over, since they do not smoke in our home. I love them and want them to be a fixture in my child's life but I will not risk his/her health. Secondly Mr. & Mrs. have put us in a situation where we are having to give them a choice, Discontinue smoking or you will not be able to see your grandchild in your home. They will not spend the night, and you cannot watch them for us. This is having a terrible affect on M. He is worried about me and Sprout, but also concerned for his relationship with his father. It's grown quite a bit in the last few years and he is very happy that his stepmother (Mrs.) and step-siblings  have accepted him with such open arms. He wants to have this talk but I can see he is scared and sad. This is not easy for him. I promised any support and would even have the talk myself but he is adamant it be him and his father. I love them very much and this is a hard and sad moment, but it doesn't change my mind. We have one more event that will be happening in 4 weeks is Mr's Birthday and we plan to announce that day to the siblings. Luckily they have outdoors as well to hang out, so that will be where we will stay. After that I won't be going over. They are welcome here anytime. Send M strength...He needs it. I love you sprout. I hope we're doing what's right for you!

Discussions - or - How Men and Women are Different Species

Yesterday M decided to start talking about apartments and moving, which I have come to accept will happen in October, right before my due date. In all actuality I could care less because I don't want any part of it. He's packing, prepping and moving all our crap from our 2 story town home rental to a less expensive, single floor apartment. I will be sipping lemonade and staying on the couch until the couch is moved to the new apartment, and then I will be in the new apartment, watching tv and sipping lemonade. I don't plan on being involved at all. lol which honestly is fine by M since he's such a planner BUT I don't feel like I can worry about this now. I don't care where we move yet, or what money needs to be put aside or what daycare will be like because I just want to get to our next appointment and see Sprout. I'm absolutely living day by day and I don't feel like making decisions because I want to just get past the more precarious parts of this pregnancy.M says he finds it easier to worry about money and housing than miscarriage and stillbirth. I keep telling him that it's too hard for me to think about that stuff when I'm just trying to make it to Tuesday without pulling out my hair but he keeps asking questions and throwing scenarios at me, like do we need a second car or could I drop him off most days with him taking the car some days.  I know I should expect this. M and I don't see eye to eye all the time on what our main focus is, but I miss being on the same page sometimes.  It makes it harder to talk about my fears with him, if he can't seem to think about them at all.

Ah, well. In other news we do have another appointment next Tuesday. We're hoping to see a definite heartbeat this time and some serious growth. It's one of the reasons I haven't posted much on here. I feel like I'm living scan to scan. I'm afraid but also making strides. I've started walking every day during lunch,  which is an improvement for me since I was kind of scared to get off the couch and do something. Now I'm feeling more adventurous. I walk at the garden at lunch and then we walk to the market when we get home. Course this has been for metamucil and iron and vitamin C but tonight we just get to relax and walk. I honestly wish this weird abdominal cramping would go away. It's clearly related to the meds and I'm taking probiotics to help but I'll be really glad when the meds are over and I just have to deal with constipation. (Who knew that would be the better choice!) Upcoming TMI alert!!! I seriously did not realize how often I would want to poop and can't. Between the natural progesterone, the progesterone I'm taking, the iron pills, and my medication. I either have constipation related abdominal discomfort/pain OR pain/cramps from medication. I'll feel better when I'm done with my medication tomorrow and then I only need to worry about the iron supplements.

Come on Sprout! Grow Big and Healthy. Hold on Strong! We love you!!!!!

My place in the world...

It's been a few days since my last post. To be honest I am having a very hard time despite the good news we received on wednesday. Our ultrasound showed a fetal pole and a little yolk sack, as well as a possible heartbeat. Our happiness over the past few days has been the first time in several years where I felt like I was truly happy. But it's also got me wondering about a lot of things that I was taking for granted. Like the fact that this journey would take years and years to even get to this point. Or that the words that I say now are bound to affect the friends I've made in the community I've built around me. While reading through the paperwork my Dr.'s office gave to me and M, I have to say that it applied to a really different person. "Try to hang out with people who are pregnant or have small children. This will help you alleviate each others fears." M and I talked about this last night. What if we know our fears are so much different than those of the people we know who are pregnant or who have kids. NONE of my friends who are pregnant or have kids went through infertility and I know for a fact that their fears are nothing like mine. A friend I have, who is currently pregnant, her biggest worry is that she's getting fat and that her baby will have to sleep through the night at 3 months since she doesn't want to be controlled by a little monster.  Another friend with a little 1 year old girl wasn't trying to get pregnant and his wife was on birth control, ignored all the Doctor's warnings about food/drinks, ended up with gestational diabetes, and her daughter came out perfectly fine. She wasn't even worried about it. I on the other hand, am terrified of stopping heatbeats and miscarriages and stillbirths. I follow everything my doctor has told me and then some. The few conversations with people who do know we're pregnant and had fertility treatments have been really frustrating.  Comments are ridiculous, and besides being asked if I'm having triplets. there's a lot of gross mistunderstanding of what the process was like. A coworker told me how it hadn't been so long since I started trying (she didn't realize it's been 3 years even though I had told her before) and now I could just have kids whenever I wanted cause the Doctor now has the right formula. What is that about? I'm just having a hard time figuring out where I fit in this strange world.

But we did get good news on wednesday. AND I LOVE my new OB. We're going to call her Dr. Adorable because she just makes me want to grab her cheeks and pinch them. She's also pretty young so I am liking that, too. She can relate better to my questions. It's pretty nice. We go back in two weeks to see how we're progressing and to see a heartbeat. I'm really happy even though I'm over thinking everything. We also found out that we're a week beind where we thought we were. It turns out sprout was either a late sperm/egg or just a late implanter. But we did bd for a couple days after the IUI, so I'm assuming that's what did it.

 In other news we found out I'm pretty anemic, so I'm on iron pills. Also I have a UTI which she gave me antibiotics for. I didm't know about that so I'm glad they figured it out.  :) Here's to Sprout!!! Growing Big, Staying Strong, and Being Healthy! :)